Establishing confident recovery from sex and porn addiction – Part One

We’ve reached the final step in the CHOICE recovery model and in this blog series, we’re going to take a closer look at the E – Establishing confident recovery.

At first glance, the final step may seem like a happily-ever-after conclusion but like all the preceding steps, establishing confident recovery requires a combination of effort and practical exercises which take time and patience. In fact, the final step is the largest in our Pivotal Recovery programme and so this blog will be a series of three parts. This blog will cover slips and relapses as well as how we can overcome them by developing a healthy and fulfilling lifestyle with some practical examples. In Part Two, we’ll discuss the impact of difficult emotions and how we can manage them to aid recovery. And finally, in Part Three, we’ll address some of the major blocks to recovery like unresolved psychological issues or persistent faulty core beliefs.

Leading a fulfilling life where addictive behaviours no longer serve a purpose is key to long-lasting recovery. As the common saying goes, recovery is not about what you give up, but what you ‘take up.’ To fully establish and enjoy recovery from sex and porn addiction, we need to develop new daily disciplines and healthy pursuits as well as understand how to manage slips and relapses.

Slips and relapses in porn and sex addiction

It’s important to understand the difference between a slip and a relapse. A slip, otherwise known as a ‘Short Lapse In Progress’, can be a momentary lapse in judgement which involves the problematic behaviour, without diving head-first back into it. A relapse, on the other hand, is very much a nose-dive back into addiction. Whilst multiple, back-to-back slips are a cause for concern, the occasional one is not something to beat ourselves up about it. In fact, beating ourselves up about it could mean a slip becomes a full-blown relapse because we end up convincing ourselves, “I’ve already blown it so I may as well just go for it.” Punishing yourself for a slip is never the right answer when it comes to recovery as it often ends up holding you back.

Whether you experience a slip or relapse, it’s important to manage the inevitable (though needless) shame, rebuild and get back on track. Often, these experiences are an opportunity to learn and can in fact reinforce and strengthen your long-term recovery.

Avoiding relapse with daily disciplines

In the early days of recovery, it’s a good idea to practice certain self-care rituals on a daily basis which can broadly be placed into two categories – connecting with others and physical health. If you can, be it through therapy groups or 12-step, it’s ideal to connect with others also in recovery but failing that, a trusted friend or family member will also help. A quick phone call each day can help with accountability as well as staying motivated and feeling supported throughout recovery.

Looking after our physical health is central to overall functionality and arguably, this is even more the case if you’re recovering from sex or porn addiction as you need to be fighting fit for the process. This means paying daily attention to our quality of sleep, regular exercise and a healthy balanced diet. With the latter, there is some evidence that eating foods with high protein and certain amino acids can help aid recovery and keep us motivated. Other examples of important disciplines around our health are making time for relaxation, reflection (perhaps through journaling or keeping gratitude lists), or spiritual exercises. In recovery support groups, spiritual exercises, such as praying to God or our own understanding of a ‘higher power’, are commonplace amongst those who have no faith background. In this sense, prayer can be thought of as a way of expressing struggles to someone, or something, who won’t judge or give advice. What is effective for a person will be unique to them and depend on their own values and beliefs.

Healthy pursuits and past times

Enjoying activities that provide a sense of purpose as well as relaxation and fun are crucial to recovery from sex and porn addiction, and it’s even better if these activities generate a ‘flow state’. A flow activity can be anything that’s considered fully absorbing to the point where we may lose all concept of time and are not easily distracted, enjoying the sensation of being ‘in the zone’. These activities need to have the right balance of challenge and enjoyment, so they don’t become frustrating or boring. Ultimately, our addiction behaviours are flow activities and these need to be replaced with healthy alternatives. They could be solo endeavours like reading or listening to music, or indeed, they could be social activities like team sports or volunteering work which have the added benefit of helping us connect with others. As long as you can get lost in that activity in a way that brings you enjoyment and relaxation in a positive way, it doesn’t really matter what it is.

Examples of flow activities:

• Music – learning to play an instrument, joining a choir or simply listening.
• Reading – fiction for fun and escapism or there is a plethora of ‘quit lit’ available in self-help and recovery communities.
• Creativity – pottery, woodwork, DIY, baking, photography or creative writing.
• Sport and Fitness – joining a football or tennis club or you could take up running. For anyone who finds the idea of running daunting, I would recommend the ‘Couch to 5k’ app which helps beginners slowly progress over the course of nine weeks.
• Miscellaneous – learning about cars, learning a new language, coding or mindfulness. You could join a book club, cooking club or an amateur dramatic group.

The possibilities are varied and endless, and all these flow activities have the potential of giving you a healthier and more balanced lifestyle.

However, sadly, that doesn’t mean we won’t occasionally experience difficult emotions and challenges, and part of secure recovery means also having strategies for handling those when they occur.

Next time in Part Two, we’ll give some practical advice on how to recognise and respond to difficult emotions such as anxiety or anger in a way that helps you avoid slips and keep moving forward.

If you’re struggling with multiples slips or relapses into compulsive sexual behaviours, why not try our free taster session of Pivotal Recovery and see if it may be right for you.